How come so many people have gifted children? My friend is bummed out because her genius three-year-old is taking naps at pre-school instead of reading with the “cheetahs.” At my baby shower, my mother-in-law gave me a certificate for child IQ testing.
How come everyone’s child’s got ADD? Okay it’s real for some kids, but things are out of control. I know a college kid who sells his Aderol in Pez dispensers. No wonder it’s become the new designer drug. Better focus, higher grades, untimed SATs. Hey, gimme some!
“It’s a shame to leave it like this.”
“Here honey, let me check the punctuation.”
“Ugh, I’ll write some sentences in the margins.”
“Good grief, I’ll just dash off the whole thing.”
Tonight my daughter needs to go over to a new babysitting job and ‘observe’ the entire bedtime procedure before babysitting this Friday. I mean come on… Whatever happened to the ‘They go down at 7:30..read them a story and leave the night light on!’?
There’s this kid in my neighborhood who wears a safety helmet all the time. Yo bobblehead. Mom says, ‘Wear the helmet in the bathroom. It’s slippery in there.’
Formal attire for five year olds; rock star hired for sweet sixteen, pony rides, parasailing for middle-schoolers, magicians for babies.
What’s with the freaking out over hygiene? My sister puts socks over the baby’s hands when she puts him in the shopping cart. She even takes her own blue tarp to play dates. Is it safe to put Purell on a baby?
Everyone sleeps together and shares the covers. Families who do this say they feel closer. I’ll bet they do! I mean come on! Get in your own beds, kiddos. Mom and Dad are going to have some alone time. Does every minute have to be devoted to parenting?
My friend literally INTERVIEWS her kid every day when she gets home from school. When I tell her that I think she’s voyeuristic, she protests that it is ‘connecting.’ Durham, who is 8, might say that school was crummy today, and then my friend says stuff like, ‘Was Charlie mean to you again?’ or ‘Did Mrs. T. criticize you for asking too many questions again?’ or ‘Did Laurel leave you out of the jump rope contest at recess.’ I think she means well, but I feel like she’s training her kid to be a victim coughing up villain material so that she can coo, hiss and smother her kid with ‘just come home to mama.’
At one house in our neighborhood, the kids have a music room where they keep a piano, two violins, a full size marimba that you have to be over five feet to even play, three guitars and a full drum kit. The children are in elementary school and the mom says that she doesn’t even play an instrument. In another room, there are so many toys I thought that the toddler was drowning. He was sitting amidst big trucks, parts of train tracks, electronic robots and pink and yellow toy kitchen utensils. I wanted to toss him the plastic life ring from the pool to pull him out.
Dad buys a prefab dollhouse. Jenny says, ‘Put the garage here.’ Dad replies, ‘that’s not where it belongs.’ I mean really, some parents can’t tolerate disorder of any kind. They want to be in charge of exactly how to do everything and make sure it doesn’t make a mess.
My cousin’s kid threw a fit until we let him take his Gameboy on the innertube. I heard that in that game World of Warcraft they’ll wear diapers to 18 hour-long games. Someone said they’re designing I-Pods for babies.
Violin’s out; African drumming is in
European vacations are out; Eco-volunteering in Costa Rica is in
Chess club is out; urban farming is in
SAT prep classes are out; SAT prep tutors are in
Riding horses is out; raising chickens is in
Parents hate to waste time. There isn’t even time to pull kids out of the car seats for a visit. Play dates are planned and enrichment programs are planned and all the in-between time is used up. An eleven-year old neighbor of ours has the Odyssey piped in while he sleeps. My sister alternates the kids’ placemats between the periodic table, state capitals and math facts.
A lot of the kids at my daughter’s school won’t eat anything that isn’t approved by their parents. Some of these folks strain the organic blueberries to get the skin off. Some of the children look thin and pale. How do we plan for potlucks?
Sometimes it happens when people don’t believe the same things you do. Sometimes it happens when the schools aren’t good enough. Sometimes it happens when kids are mean. Sometimes it happens when there’s too much gluten in the cafeteria.
‘How are you?’
‘I live in my car,’ she bragged.
On the bleachers one mother said: ‘I logged four hundred miles last week–on soccer alone.’
‘I drive even further for our Suzuki teacher.’
Oh no, check to make sure the baby didn’t melt into the car-seat!
Instead of pots and pans she has a ten-piece percussion set.
Instead of playing Uncle Ben’s banjo the children get Guitar Hero.
Instead of building a tree house Dad buys the $5,000 pre-fab model and calls the contractor.
Instead of playing Parcheesi, the family buys a Wii.
Instead of buying a cheap watercolor set, the Mom ships the kid to the art academy.
You shop and drink and the kids play in the plastic ball pit. ‘Dirty diaper at the bottom!’ someone screams. Oh no! Happy hour’s over.
I’ve been asked about food, guns, sibling aggression, pets, my disciplinary approaches, household help and even what my neighbors are like – basically, everything short of a plea for a nannycam. I understand a certain due diligence, but if the visiting child is a class mate and as parents, we’ve known each other in this context, is a full scale Homeland Security Interview really necessary?
Everybody gets one. Dad’s disappointed and Mom’s relieved. Jimmy buries it in the yard. Oh no! Trophy cemetery.
Which is worse, the danger of the vaccination or your kid introducing measles to the school district? Which is better – letting your kid eat Cheetos for once, or watching him be the only one without that blissful look on his face?
Sit in the car, stand on the sidelines, take a break at halftime. Drive your kid a hundred miles to watch her play for two minutes then eat pizza and cupcakes.
